Learning About Consequences

The three of us often go for walks after dinner. Jonah explores, touching things, smelling things, picking things up. Last weekend, he started grasping the handles of car doors when we would pass by. Both Michele and I thought this was a bad idea. "Those cars don't belong to us," we told him. There wasn't anything really bad about Jonah doing this. We both instinctively didn't like it, though, and told him not to do it.

After multiple rounds of car-touching-and-mom-or-dad-saying-no, I finally stopped him and told him that if he touched another car we would go straight home. He said he understood: "Touch car go straight home." He seemed to forget about touching cars until we crossed the street. Then, he grabbed the handle of a blue pick-up.

True to my word, I lifted him up and started walking back home. Two and a half blocks. Jonah wailed, "No go home. Down." Tears ran down his face as he squirmed and bucked in my arms. It was very difficult for both of us, and every step I asked myself if I was doing the right thing.

We got home and I put him down. He was still crying, "No! No go home," and flailing his arms angrily. After a few minutes he stopped and we hugged him. Michele and I asked together if he understood why we came home. He did: "Touch blue truck." Crisis over, the rest of the night went smoothly.

Monday night came around and we walked again. We reminded him what happened last time. Every time he came near a car, Michele and I both held our breath. It felt like he was taunting us. All was fine until, about five houses away from home, he very purposefully smacked the taillight of a car. I swooped him up. "No go home!" he cried, but he didn't squirm quite as much as the previous night.

Tonight we went for a walk again. Jonah was very cautious. He likes to walk along the line that divides the curb from the sidewalk, but every time he walked near a car he held his arm close to his body. Even when he walked next to a car that was parked very close to the curb, he made a point of not touching it. There were some close spots. "Point at car," said Jonah, as he wiggled his finger near a car door. But this was not teasing. I think he was making it clear that he knew what was okay. We made it home with no incidents.

I don't consider myself especially good at setting boundaries, but I think this was a success. Jonah learned that there are consequences to his actions. He learned that he should do what mom and dad say or he might not like the results. He learned that we will do what we say we will. I don't think he learned about other people's property, but that's a much harder, abstract concept. Part of me feels petty for making an example out of something as small as touching car door handles. It felt heavy-handed and controlling. That said, we generally use good judgement in what we "no" him about, and it seems like a good thing that he is learning to respond.